Peace, Love, Lamaze & More

Posted on December 2, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized |

While cleaning out my closet over the weekend I came across my notes and journal from my Baby wise/Lamaze class. I laughed so hard reading my notes that I had to share them with you.

Our instructor was a colorful woman and very informative. To me, she was an Ethel Mertz look alike from the, I Love Lucy Show.  Ethel (not her name but we’ll call her that for now), was both comical, sincere and nurturing.  I’m not sure if anyone else in the class caught this side of her but she spoke (at moments) with a  Grace Jones attitude in a vocal fry registry when discussing copulation (her words not mine). Clearly, she loves sex but can you imagine Ethel Mertz sexually aggressive? The thought was both hilarious and frightening to imagine.

Week 1, The Introduction: Our class was small but looking back it was filled with characters.  Ethel Jones (our instructors new name), went around the room and had each couple  introduce themselves. I seemed to have noticed a few traits about each couple. The first couple to introduce themselves I’ve nicknamed,The A Team. The A Team apparently read every published pregnancy book on the market, they took the hospital tour twice and came well prepared for class: notebook, extra pens, two pillows, a blanket and a gallon of water (a gallon of water…really). I’ve renamed the next couple,  The Peace & Love couple. I’m convinced that this couple put a hold on their drug intake and orgy parties for the betterment of their pregnancy (Isn’t compromise great!). When my love and I  first entered the classroom (I’ll call the husband Peace) Peace threw up the peace sign, no head nod, just the sign.  At first I thought they were trying to be cool and young (they were a bit older than the rest of the bunch) but I quickly realized that being cool had nothing to do it with it. For them it was all about the 70’s…Peace & Love. After the hippies, Beauty and The Beast introduced themselves. Let me make it clear why I call the husband, “The Beast” It isn’t because he was unattractive. It’s because he was a total asshole. She was sweet and demure and he had the personality of Will Ferrell in the movie Old School (I’ll call him “daddy frat”).  The hypochondriac’s covered their nose and mouth while introducing themselves next (need I say more about this couple?). Ebony and Ivory were cool with their intro. I enjoyed this couple they didn’t say much but always held pleasant smiles on their faces. Finally my love and I said hello.  The descriptions alone should give you a good look inside this Baby Wise/Lamaze class. Now let me share some of the highlights of the class.

Week 2. Ethel Mertz is Grace Jones:  So there we sat eager with anticipation.  Our instructor who I’ve renamed Ethel Jones (her name will make sense as you continue to read) introduces  us to a guest. A nurse in training who will audit a few of our classes. This fatigued and naïve young woman was sweet, I don’t remember her name, so I’m forced to call her,  “Nurse Betty” (for so many reasons).  To get the class rolling Ethel Jones announces that the first thing she wants to teach us are a  few stretching techniques.  In the most nurturing voice she turns to Nurse Betty and asks if she could assist her. Nurse Betty shyly obliges and comes to the middle of the room. Ethel Jones hands nurse Betty a pillow and boisterously says, “Your pregnant darlin, take this pillow put it in-between your legs and lay down in child’s pose allowing your belly to rest comfortable on the pillow. This is gonna open up those hips and let out that tension.”  She gives Nurse Betty a slap on the rear end and says, “come on.” Nurse Betty was completely caught off guard… so was everyone else (what happened to that nurturing voice?)  but, she did what she was told to do.  Ethel Jones steps up close behind Nurse Betty and straddles her while massaging her lower back. “You wanna get real close and grab those hips to get in deep daddies” Ethel Jones says while massaging Nurse Betty. “It will make em feel wonderful.” NOTE: I had already discovered the domineering Grace Jones side in our little Ethel Mertz. Clearly she was pretending to be the father in this demonstration. If the situation wasn’t weird enough, Daddy Frat yells out, “let the games begin!” in that dick head tone of voice then begins to mount his wife (who is not in child’s pose by the way).  The men of course double over with laughter.  So much for our massage.

NOTE: Nurse Betty never returned

Week 3 The Drugs: Ethel Jones started off our third week discussing systemic medication, epidural and spinal blocks. This was the first class Peace & Love participated in with glee. The A Team of course came with a list of pro’s and con’s to debate about. Each con we discussed the Hypochondriac’s reaction was the same. Hypo one (the mommy to be), would gasp then place her right hand over her mouth in disbelief while she held her belly with her left hand. Hypo two (her husband) would gently stroke her hair and whisper, “the doctors and nurses wont leave your side.” I’m not sure who told him that crap but…okay.  Ethel Jones concluded our class with a film from 1954 (why was the tape so old?), displaying the differences between giving birth with painkillers and without. The first segment we watched a woman deliver natural (no drugs). The newborn was placed on its mother’s chest and we saw how alert this baby was. It instantly searched for its mothers nipple. The next clip was of  a woman who had been given an epidural. Her newborn seemed a bit out of it, sluggish (drugged) and struggled to find its mothers nipple. I could feel the energy of the women around me. We all had mixed feeling after seeing the second birth. It was a bit uneasy to tell you the truth. I myself started feeling a little down when suddenly Daddy Frat inappropriately blurted out, “that last kid looked a lot like me last night.”  The men fell out laughing once more. Ethel Jones called the class to an end and Love (from Peace & Love), smiled and sang out, “I’ll be asking for the drugs.” YOU DON’T SAY!!! Ebony and Ivory, looked at my love and I, we smiled and packed our things to go.

Week 4 Thank you and Come again: We wrapped up our last class with a small party. The A Team brought in healthy snacks, while  Love & Peace brought in brownies (are you thinking what I’m thinking?). All in all we gabbed joyfully about all that we learned and experienced in class and outside of class within the month. Ethel Jones wished us all blessing and gave us more advice. As funny as the class had been we actually did learn a lot. Minutes before we said our goodbye’s  Ethel Jones says, “There is another class I give if any of you are interested.” This class had been a blast so we all stopped to listen. She proceeded on and said (in a voice I had not heard before…a new colorful side to her she apparently hid until the end), “Statistics show that over 60% of couples married or not tend to break up  a year after their child is born. I will teach you how to stay together.” I looked at my love in shock. I thought to myself “who says that to a group of expectant mothers?” Peace & Love sat back down in disbelief, Beauty grabbed The Beast’s hand while the Hypochondriacs just stared. The A Team I’m sure were about to debate that statistic but got interrupted. For the first time in a month Ebony from Ebony and Ivory stopped smiling and said, “We’ll ain’t that a bitch!”.

Ha-ha, I’m still tickled.  Thanks for taking the journey.

xoxo Journey Ward xoxo

Advertisements

Make a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

4 Responses to “Peace, Love, Lamaze & More”

RSS Feed for Welcome To The Journey Comments RSS Feed

So funny! Never attended a lamaze class, but your story was so candid, I felt like I have now! LOL…good times! Very entertaining…good job Journey!

This is hysterical! So funny…love this post!

This was very good to know since I won’t be going for one. 🙂 So is epidural really bad then??

Funny funny, my class was def not this entertaining but i felt I learned all I needs to know nonetheless. Also speaking from experience, an epidural is a godsend & my little guy was totally alert & latched on perfectly fine once he came out! I wouldn’t CHOOSE to give birth w/ out it. 🙂


Where's The Comment Form?

Liked it here?
Why not try sites on the blogroll...

%d bloggers like this: